Dear Harry
by yeahishipdrarry
Summary: Harry is in an abusive relationship with Draco but he'll stay. Quotes from the song "Dear John" by Taylor Swift.


**Long were the nights when  
>My days once revolved around you<strong>

Harry lay in bed wondering when he would next see his boyfriend. Although he loved his boyfriend he hated the time they spent together, the time when Draco wasn't himself. The nights were the time when he could spend to himself without the fear he would do something wrong. At night he would wonder if he _had_ done something wrong, if somehow he had done something to deserve this.

The days would be spent waiting to know when Draco would call upon him, would tell him what he was doing. In the day, he could be two ways. Some days, when they would go out in public, he would hold Harry's hand and tell him that he loved him. He never doubted that Draco really was deeply in love with him, never once. But other days he would have to spend at the brunt of Draco's anger, alone in Draco's house, like torture.

**Counting my footsteps  
>Praying the floor won't fall through, again<br>**

Counting was something that Harry seemed to do a lot nowadays, even though he had never been much good at much maths at Primary School. He would spend time counting down the hours until he would be in Draco's arms again. He would spend time counting how many hits he got to his body in a day, week or month. He would spend time counting each step he paced round his bedroom, hoping this was a dream, that Draco didn't hit him.

He didn't want Sirius to find out about the abuse that Harry was suffering at the hands of Sirius' second cousin. Harry was too precious to Sirius and Harry would never do anything to hurt anyone. Sirius had noticed how Harry paced once and asked him, is everything OK? He had wanted so badly to tell him how much it hurt but he just nodded silently and made sure not to pace in front of Sirius again.

**My mother accused me of losing my mind  
>But I swore I was fine<br>**

Sirius seemed to think something was seriously wrong with Harry by the time summer of sixth year came around. Harry was quieter than ever, keeping himself holed up in his room when he wasn't out with Draco. He didn't know that instead of confiding in Sirius, Harry was confiding in his journal, the only one who could truly understand what was going on. They argued a lot more now, Sirius and Harry, because Sirius wanted to take him to St Mungo's convinced he was losing his mind. Harry knew that he wasn't the one who was mad.

His best friends knew something was different with him. They had been so supportive when he had come out, then begun dating Draco, despite what they thought of him. But they were less supportive when Harry didn't have time to spend with them, when Harry wasn't allowed to do anything that Draco didn't want. They asked him so many times if he was alright and he would swear every time that he was fine. It didn't end well for any of them – except Draco – who due to the breakdown of friendship got Harry more to himself than ever.

**You paint me a blue sky  
>And go back and turn it to rain<strong>

Draco was a beautiful man but more beautiful than him were the things he would paint. He could paint things that looked so real sometimes Harry thought they were mere photographs. Harry loved the picture he had been given for his fifteenth birthday by Draco. It was Hogwarts in the summer, just before the holidays began, with a bright blue sky and clouds. He would stare for hours at the painting until his eyes began to hurt but he didn't mind – then the picture would be etched into his retina forever.

They argued very little because Harry almost always just gave in to what Draco demanded. But once they argued badly. The next week, when they still hadn't spoken, another picture arrived in the post. It was Hogwarts again but the photo was almost fearful with the gloom captured. The blue sky was gone in this picture replaced by grey and whereas before there were two small figures by the lake, a blonde and a raven, now the raven stood alone.

**And I lived in your chess game  
>But you changed the rules everyday<br>**

Harry didn't get to chose what they did ever, but Draco had a penchant for playing chess. He enjoyed slaughtering the innocent pawns that protected the truly important pieces. Sometimes Harry felt like he was a pawn in Draco's game, always unable to see how his sacrifice would lead to a better end result. Maybe it wouldn't. Or maybe Draco was putting out the pawns to protect his true feelings...

Harry knew the rules and how Draco played them too. He knew that he had to be there when Draco wanted him. He knew he had to always looked perfect and act perfect too. He knew that he couldn't tell anyone about what was happening to him. That way he could avoid any potential beatings that may have occurred. However the rules were definitely liable to changing so Harry couldn't guarantee anything.

**Wonderin' which version of you I might get on the phone, tonight  
>Well I stopped pickin' up and this song is to let you know why<br>**

Draco had got a muggle phone which he used to call Harry in the evenings, to check he wasn't out with someone else. Harry would hate picking it up because he never knew what Draco's mood would be like. It sometimes depended on how quickly Harry picked up, other times on how happy Harry sounded when he answered. He hated the times when he was shouted at and would sink to the floor with tears rolling down his cheek, holding the phone at arms length.

Sometimes he just wouldn't pick up the phone at all. On the days when he just couldn't face taking another shouting at he would sit there waiting until it stopped ringing. The next day the beating would be worse than usual but he thanked the sky that he had even had a night to himself for a change. Sometimes Harry would spend the time writing him letters or songs or poems so he knew why.

**Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone  
>Don't you think I was too young <strong>

When he wasn't with Draco he could see how stupid he was truly being by staying with him. He would spend nights lying in bed wondering why he didn't just give up on Draco. But he could also see why he was still there – love. Draco had the sort of eyes that you could never forget and even as he lay on his bed crying they were imprinted there forever.

Harry was only sixteen when it started, far too young to know what to do about his problem. At sixteen things were hard for him anyway, what with having a Dark Lord to defeat. But Hermione and Ron had their own problems too, they had their problems with family and each other. He couldn't ask them for help – they were as clueless as him, or so he thought. But he was too young to realize that his life was slowly disappearing without him.

**To be messed with  
>The girl in the dress<strong>

He could never and would never cancel the plans, because it was Draco that made the plans. However he spent many hours standing in the rain, the cold when he was tired. He just didn't care that Harry loved him more than Draco would ever understand. It was like Draco took some sick sadistic pleasure in making Harry miserable, in messing with his mind. Harry could take a joke but he wished hat Draco would understand that sometimes things just aren't funny.

Harry saw a girl with her boyfriend crying. She was wearing a blue dress the colour of the sky and had tears the same colour rolling down her cheeks. Her boyfriend had made her cry, that much was clear, but unlike when Draco made him cry, the boyfriend seemed to care. The boy ran after her and then held her in his arms until she stopped sobbing. He pressed gentle kisses to her hair. Harry had never been more jealous of anyone than he was of the girl right then.

**Cried the whole way home, I should've known.  
><strong>

Sirius would come pick him up from Draco's house sometimes in the old beaten car that he loved. Harry would clamber in silence into the passenger seat, click in his seatbelt and then tune himself out from Sirius completely. As his cheeks pressed against the window he would let himself cry out the pain he had been holding in the whole time. Sometimes he felt angry with Sirius for not understanding that he just needed him to ask. If Sirius had ever asked Harry what the matter was, had ever noticed the tears, then Harry would have told. He felt like Sirius should've known, but it wasn't his fault really, he knew that.

**Well maybe it's me  
>And my blind optimism to blame<strong>

sometimes Harry wondered whether the real person to blame in all of this could just be himself. Maybe his relationship with Draco was normal – how would he know, he'd never had another relationship – maybe he was twisting things in his mind. But then he would look at the bruises and cuts all over his poor body and realize that he wasn't the one who was twisted.

Every time he turned up to see Draco he knew what was going to happen but at the same time he was so optimistic that somehow today things would be different. He was blinded by love, so deeply in love that it hurt, so maybe he never would see how bad things had become. He had always tried to look on the bright side of everything – when the Dark Lord was alive that was the only way to get through the days. Even if it was not his optimism to blame, something in him was.

**Or maybe it's you and your sick need  
>To give love and take it away<br>**

Draco had a few things about him that Harry hadn't even liked when he had first started dating him. Like he used to catch flies and pull of their wings which would always freak Harry out. When Harry flooed into his house once he found Draco torturing a small rat until it suddenly keeled over. Harry had been far too scared on either occasion to say anything to Draco but from the beginning he had known there were some things about Draco that he would never be able to just looked over.

At the beginning it had been all about the love that Draco had for Harry but things had changed fast. Harry never before had given himself so completely to someone but now he had fallen completely in love with Draco. Draco was slowly taking away all the love in his body until eventually there was nothing left; an empty soul. He used to love flying and playing Quidditch, loved the whistle of wind in his ears, but now he just couldn't get excited. He used to love spending time with friends, but now he only had time to spend with Draco. He hadn't even seen his parents graves recently, or Sirius' or Remus' because they depressed Draco.

**And you'll add my name to your long list of traitors who don't understand  
>And I'll look back in regret how I ignored when they said<br>'Run as fast as you can'  
><strong>

Draco had a list, pinned to his bedroom door, but hidden from view of his parents by a concealment charm. The list was of people he fell out with, the list of "Traitors" in Draco's clouded vision. The list had many names on it, some scratched out a few days later in different inks. But the list was always there, something that you certainly didn't want to get put on. Harry wondered if someday, when they broke up with each other, he would get put at the top of the list. But would he ever be able to break away from Draco's control?

He had been talking to Blaise one night, before they had been going out very long. Blaise was Draco's best friend and the person that Draco spent the most time with besides Harry. But even he had looked Harry in the eyes and told him to run while he still could. Blaise had warned him then that this was going to end in disaster but he was a fool. Now all he wanted was the turn round and run away as fast as he could.

**Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone  
>Don't you think I was too young <strong>

Draco was dragged off on a holiday without Harry by his parents who were worried about Draco. Harry didn't really know what to do with himself in the week and so hurried to stay with the Weasley's and Hermione. At the Burrow, when he could laugh whenever he wanted, do whatever he wanted, he realized more than ever how stupid he was being. He spent so much time that week crying to himself wishing that he could live like this forever. But as was inevitable Draco came back and he was trapped again.

**To be messed with  
>The girl in the dress <strong>

_Perhaps I am crazy? Maybe I am treating Draco unfairly and he is actually treating me how I always should have been treated? Maybe I am messing with his mind, making him act like this? Does he really love me? What should I do? _Harry's mind was a complete mess as he sat on the beach, phone by his side in case, but he couldn't even cry any more.

He was walking past the Registry Office near the end of his six year, in the Easter Holidays. A couple were coming out of the Registry Office holding hands, clearly newly bonded. The girl was wearing a beautiful white dress and suddenly he knew where he recognized them both from. The girl had been crying a long time back in front of her boyfriend, who had chased her. He wondered if they would be married ever, and if that would be the end of him.

**Cried the whole way home  
><strong>

The tears he cried now were not for himself. He had known that Ginny was messing with her life when she took Fairy Dust but nobody had expected her to _die_. Now as he stood besides Ron, and the rest of the Weasley's at the funeral, it felt like he was alive again. Standing there, as the coffin was lowered, the soil thrown into the grave with roses, he knew that he couldn't take this any longer.

**Dear John, I see it all now it was wrong  
>Don't you think nineteen's too young<strong>

"Draco," Harry shouted at the blonde who stood with his hand raised in front of him, "You can't treat me like this any longer! I won't take this rubbish from you! You either treat me right, or you've lost me forever, it's over between us." The slap was not unexpected by Harry but it didn't hurt so bad knowing he had told Draco what he had wanted to.

The slap that Harry received wasn't unexpected but he doubted that Draco had been expecting one back. The red cheek flashed in the dim light over the Hogwarts grounds. He hoped no one could see them from the castle but at the same time he found himself not caring. As he took a step back he finally whispered, "Draco, it's over."

**To be played by your dark, twisted games  
>When I loved you so, I should've known.<br>**

But for Draco it couldn't be over, not yet anyway. He didn't speak to Draco, didn't see him, for days until Blaise ran into him again. "Harry, please just listen to me. It's Draco. He's slowly killing himself. Please just come and see him." Harry had followed to the Hospital wing to find Draco lying in bed, skeletal, and although he knew it was just another of Draco's twisted games he couldn't help but sob. Because although it was just a game to Draco he wouldn't stop until he died if that was what it took for him to win.

He should have known that he could never escape Draco properly until the man was gone forever. He loved him too much to leave. As Draco sobbed into his pillow he couldn't help whisper to him, "You're a bastard, and I love you too much to ever leave." He was caught forever, this was game over.

**You are an expert at sorry  
>And keeping the lines blurry<strong>

Draco took a while to get out of the Hospital Wing but when he did he acted at first like the perfect boyfriend. He would always hold doors open for Harry, kiss him, not hit him ever. He was such an expert at saying sorry which he did multiple times a day. But it wasn't for long and then he was back to the same psychotic person he had always been.

Harry had even heard from some people – namely his old best friends – that Draco was cheating on him. Ron and Hermione would not be lying to him and even in his crazed mind he knew this. But Draco was so brilliant at never making it clear what was really going on, blurring and moulding facts until they suited him.

**Never impressed by me acing your tests  
>All the girls that you run dry have tired lifeless eyes<br>Cause you burned them out  
><strong>

**But I took your matches  
>Before fire could catch me<br>So don't look now  
>I'm shining like fireworks<br>Over your sad empty town**

**Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone  
>Don't you think I was too young<br>To be messed with  
>The girl in the dress<br>Cried the whole way home**

**I see it all now that you're gone  
>Don't you think I was too young<br>To be messed with  
>The girl in the dress<br>Wrote you a song, you should've known.**

**You should've known  
>Don't you think I was too young<br>You should've known.  
><strong>

It was months later when it all finally blew up. Harry and Draco were sitting outside in the courtyard when suddenly Draco blew up – in public for the first time – and started beating Harry mercilessly. People hurried to pull Draco off him as Harry lay in a pool of his own blood on the floor. But even as someone pulled Draco away from him Harry found himself calling out, "I love you Draco!"

He awoke a few days later, the injury to his head being quite severe. The first words that escaped his very dry lips were, "Where is Draco?"

Hermione and Ron sat on the end of the bed with their hair ruffled, and eyes half-closed from exhaustion. They had clearly been stressing a lot recently over Harry but it had all come to a climax now. Harry felt a twinge of guilt for being such a hassle when they had to be having a hard time because of Ginny at the moment anyway. He wondered for a second if they hated him.

"Oh, Harry," Hermione breathed and then suddenly she was sobbing into his lap saying, "I'm so sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry..."

Harry gently raised a hand to stroke her brown hair and said, "Hermione what on earth do you have to apologize for? In fact right now, if I could of course, I should be down on my knees, grovelling for forgiveness. I am so sorry for being such a nuisance."

"No Harry," Ron said, "We are so sorry that we were so wrapped up in Ginny's problems we didn't notice what was going on with you. We just wish we could have seen the bruises and helped you."

A lot of crying took place over the next hours, with visits from teachers, friends, the Weasley's and more. But eventually he was left with just his own tears and one more time he took Hermione's hand and said, "Hermione, what happened to Draco?"

Everyone in the room stiffened at his name.

"Harry, Draco has been taken to St Mungo's and currently resides on a Mental Illness Ward. He is very ill right now, has been for longer than anyone had realized. He'll start to get the help he needs and then he'll be able to start a new life. It's best you forget about him, Harry," Ron said quietly.

For months Harry forgot all about him, or at least he told everyone that he did. He graduated his seventh year – a year late like everyone else – but he didn't attend any of the huge parties that took place up in the Room of Requirement. Harry slipped out of the front gates.

St Mungo's was quite, that night in July, so it was easy for him to find out where Draco was staying. He walked up to the ward but paused outside the door. _Did he really want to do this?_ But he had to. Even if Draco was still mad he needed to see him one more time before he forgot him forever.

Draco was lying on his bed but he sat up at once when Harry entered.

"Harry? Is it really you?" Draco asked him.

"Draco?" Harry questioned back, not sure what Draco was going to act like around him. Then suddenly Draco threw himself at Harry barrelling him into a hug. "H-How are you Draco?"

"I'm good, how are you?"

"Fine, just fine. Long time no see then," Harry commented awkwardly. "So-"

"Harry, I'm so sorry! I just can't believe that I would ever do something like that. I was so sick, Harry, you just have to believe me. I have always loved you-"

He was cut off by Harry dragging him into a kiss.

It took many years for them to finally get things back on track. It took them a year to start dating properly, three before they moved in together, five for Draco to propose, seven to finally get married. But every year they were together was perfect for Draco. He finally decided to write Harry a small letter.

_Dear Harry,_

_I saw it when you were gone,_

_You were too young to be messed with,_

_I know I'm an expert at sorry,_

_And keeping things blurry,_

_BUT I LOVE YOU._

_Yours forever._

_**OMG! I finished this at last and I am actually quite pleased. It is a little rambled sometimes but I generally think I have things good... so yayayayyayaya!**_


End file.
